When You Can’t Find the Words

My husband has told me I am spending too much time online.

About 15% of the time I spend starting at my computer screen is what I would consider unnecessary – reading about celebrities and drama or cute kittens and puppies, stuff that really doesn’t matter to me in the long run. Wait, who am I kidding? Cute kittens and puppies always matter. Drama, not so much. I should leave that to TNT.

The rest of my online time breaks down like this:

Scrolling through Facebook & Twitter timelines to see what’s going on in the lives of people I don’t talk to regularly & sharing my witty observations with the world, or gently stalking cool people I don’t actually know & trying to figure out how to comment so they’ll think I’m cool too: 15%.

Awesome Stuff: Youtube vlogs, Vlogbrothers, Tumblr, learning interesting things about science & culture, reading articles by people who are saying important cultural and economic things: 20%.

Half my time is spent doing something running-related. Probably more than half my time, actually. When I get back from a run, I immediately load up the info from my Forerunner and then spend a lot of time analyzing and wondering why I’m not faster and why I can’t run for longer than half an hour without really bringing my average speed way down, and thinking that maybe it’s because I get bored too quickly running in circles at my apartment complex or maybe I’m not training right or maybe I’m training too much or not enough, but wait, there’s kind of been some progress since I started tracking everything, MAYBE IF I SQUINT, so I shouldn’t feel too bad because at least the miles are piling up. Lots of analysis. and maybe a little self doubt. And then I go straight to the blogosphere to catch up on what other people are doing and be in awe of their abilities and then feel a little bad for not being able to run faster or longer and then I say, “Screw that, I’m awesome.” and then I go to write a blog while my run is still fresh in my mind, my mind which is clearer thanks to my run.

Then I sit there.

and stare at the screen.

The New Post page with the empty white box.

My head is bombarded with thousands of words and feelings, and I spend the majority of my internet time trying to filter through all the words and put them in some kind of order that makes sense while trying to ignore the distractions of TV and noise and people trying to talk to me and the rage I feel when the phone rings and concentration is ripped away from me. The words I want are floating just above me, and I don’t know why it’s so hard to pin down the right ones.

So my husband, feeling ignored, has challenged me to write a five minute blog every day. It usually takes me over an hour to write, research, erase, rewrite, & publish what amounts to less than one 8 1/2″ x 11″ page of blog, which is kind of crazy, because I’m not here to win any awards.

Discounting this post (which took me over two hours to write), let’s try this five minute blog thing.

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