Up and Down

On Tuesday, it was so beautiful out that I just had to go outside after work. I went to a (very) small park nearby that has a trail I’ve been meaning to check out. I had a fitness app on my phone that was also begging to be checked out (I finally put down my old iPhone 4S and got a Samsung Galaxy S4 and I LOVE IT but that’s another story for another day) and it wanted me to walk 2 KM in 30 minutes. Hey, I can do that! and I did!  I didn’t have any back pain on the nice flat parts of the paved path, and then the path turns into a trail that I’ve never been on.

Unexplored locations require my attention. Like, I’m hungry for exploration. I really should have been an archaeologist.

The trail went into the woods and emerged in someone’s backyard…. yes, it skirted two someone’s backyards, but in the distance I saw a busted bench and realized I was still on the trail and not trespassing. I moved quickly while thinking to myself that I would absolutely hate having strangers wandering through my backyard but I would absolutely love the quick access to the park. There was a pretty steep downhill bit, then I hopped across a steam on some well-placed rocks, and then a pretty formidable hill back up. I tried to keep my pace up, and my back did start to ache a bit. It kind of calmed down once I emerged from the woods and the path became paved again.

I did walk the whole 2K. It really shows me how far I’d come in running; I could just about run the whole 2K a few months ago and now just walking it was really hard. I’m hoping it doesn’t take as long to get back to the same level.

I’m working through whatever this slump is that I’ve been in.. Ok, it’s really depression. and it’s getting old.

I wanted to work out yesterday. I got home and put on my running clothes and just felt BLAH so I laid down on the couch and slept all night. This is the awfulness of depression: one day I’m up and the next I’m so down. I may need to talk to my doctor about changing the dosage on my medication; I remember the absolute clarity I experienced after starting the medication, like try to imagine: every time you make a mistake or think about something bad that might happen or if someone even looks at you funny, it creates dozens of negative thoughts and feelings about yourself that replay over and over in your head, getting louder and louder until that’s all you can think. They swirl around you, grab you, hold on to your arms and legs when you try to move, like some kind of giant spiderweb that you can’t free yourself from; they slowly drag you backwards into a pit full of negative thoughts and feelings and it’s impossible to pull yourself out. When I started taking medication, it acted like a shield and blocked the thoughts from reaching the vulnerable parts of me that they cling to, so I was able to think clearly and my brain could function freely; I could think about things I actually cared about, instead of being forced to listen to my own brain talk shit about me. Lately, I can feel myself starting to get mired down again. Isn’t that weird? I can feel it holding me back.




Changing the game plan

So running is still pretty tough. Actually, even walking long distances is tough right now. My lower back aches. I don’t know if its from extra weight gain or loss of muscle, but I’ve never experienced this before and I hate it. It makes me feel old.

My boss has been working out several days a week for the past two months, and he’s looking better and feeling better. He’s doing mainly weight lifting and body weight exercises, very little cardio. So since I’ve been having trouble getting back up to speed (I know you love my running puns, don’t deny it) I’ve started doing body weight workouts. I’ve had almost one solid week of keeping up with workouts, which is, in itself, a miracle. One night I was super depressed and laid down on the kitchen floor to cry about pretty much nothing. My husband, supportive guy that he is, laid down next to me. He asked me what he could do to help. I asked him to go downstairs with me and read something he’s been working on to me while I worked out to keep me on task. It worked;  I got the workout in. I also put “Clean kitchen floor” on my list of things to do.

I’ve decided to skip breakfast. I used to skip breakfast every morning. Like, all through high school, through college, up until I met my husband. I skipped breakfast. I know it seems weird, but I gained a lot of weight when I started eating three solid meals a day. Even when I tried to make those meals healthy, I still was gaining weight. I’ve been skipping breakfast for a whole two days (I know, that’s dedication) and I gotta say, I actually feel great. My husband is concerned that Hangry Sarah might make an appearance, but so far so good. She only appears at night, once in a blue moon when she’s hungry for dinner. Like a werewolf.

Skipping breakfast: I’ve felt incredibly hungry right when I wake up, but as soon as I get moving, get dressed, get to work, I don’t really notice a thing. I’m still drinking fluids, just not eating food in the morning. I haven’t noticed any drops in energy that haven’t been caused by my inability to put down the book I’m reading and go to bed at a decent time. and I’ve been trying not to eat past 8 PM. Lots of changes from my currently mopey state, but I think it’s time.

Thanks to my online running buddies for good advice, and for telling me it’s going to get easier – I’m glad to be back & catching up with your lives.


Oh, hi.

I’ve found it REALLY REALLY difficult to get back on track since my miscarriage. I have never really ever hit my stride as far as workout consistency goes (but I bet you like my running puns, huh? DO YOU? stride? track? Bueller?)

Anyway, yeah. I had a miscarriage, got really depressed, and took a raincheck on a lot of things I normally love. I just had no desire or strength to do anything, really.

I painted a little; something sort of modern with triangles and pinks, blues and yellows that I had been planning on painting for the nursery, and a painting of gladiolus. I wanted to do a flower painting sort of in memory of the baby we lost, and the gladiolus is the birthday flower for August. The baby was due August 6. Painting really helped with the pain.

I’m trying to get back into running and it’s really hard. My body is totally rebelling. It got used to sitting on the couch playing videogames and now it just wants Cheez-its. I want my clothes to fit again. Body and I… we’re in negotiations.

I’ve tried to hop on the treadmill, and for like three days, I was sticking with a beginner’s running program. Then I got my period and got really depressed again because.. I wasn’t pregnant. Fast forward to two weeks later, I decide to try the treadmill again, and it’s SO HARD. I couldn’t even run for five minutes. I was SHOCKED. It was so discouraging.

After my two minute attempt, I’m sitting on the couch crying because I’ve gotten so out of shape and my husband realizes he set the incline on the treadmill to like, 4. Of course I couldn’t run for five minutes.

One week later, I hop on, hoping I will be able to run for just five minutes. Nope. Still too hard. I ran for three minutes, a whole quarter of a mile. Woo-hoo.

Tell me this is going to get easier again.