Up and Down

On Tuesday, it was so beautiful out that I just had to go outside after work. I went to a (very) small park nearby that has a trail I’ve been meaning to check out. I had a fitness app on my phone that was also begging to be checked out (I finally put down my old iPhone 4S and got a Samsung Galaxy S4 and I LOVE IT but that’s another story for another day) and it wanted me to walk 2 KM in 30 minutes. Hey, I can do that! and I did!  I didn’t have any back pain on the nice flat parts of the paved path, and then the path turns into a trail that I’ve never been on.

Unexplored locations require my attention. Like, I’m hungry for exploration. I really should have been an archaeologist.

The trail went into the woods and emerged in someone’s backyard…. yes, it skirted two someone’s backyards, but in the distance I saw a busted bench and realized I was still on the trail and not trespassing. I moved quickly while thinking to myself that I would absolutely hate having strangers wandering through my backyard but I would absolutely love the quick access to the park. There was a pretty steep downhill bit, then I hopped across a steam on some well-placed rocks, and then a pretty formidable hill back up. I tried to keep my pace up, and my back did start to ache a bit. It kind of calmed down once I emerged from the woods and the path became paved again.

I did walk the whole 2K. It really shows me how far I’d come in running; I could just about run the whole 2K a few months ago and now just walking it was really hard. I’m hoping it doesn’t take as long to get back to the same level.

I’m working through whatever this slump is that I’ve been in.. Ok, it’s really depression. and it’s getting old.

I wanted to work out yesterday. I got home and put on my running clothes and just felt BLAH so I laid down on the couch and slept all night. This is the awfulness of depression: one day I’m up and the next I’m so down. I may need to talk to my doctor about changing the dosage on my medication; I remember the absolute clarity I experienced after starting the medication, like try to imagine: every time you make a mistake or think about something bad that might happen or if someone even looks at you funny, it creates dozens of negative thoughts and feelings about yourself that replay over and over in your head, getting louder and louder until that’s all you can think. They swirl around you, grab you, hold on to your arms and legs when you try to move, like some kind of giant spiderweb that you can’t free yourself from; they slowly drag you backwards into a pit full of negative thoughts and feelings and it’s impossible to pull yourself out. When I started taking medication, it acted like a shield and blocked the thoughts from reaching the vulnerable parts of me that they cling to, so I was able to think clearly and my brain could function freely; I could think about things I actually cared about, instead of being forced to listen to my own brain talk shit about me. Lately, I can feel myself starting to get mired down again. Isn’t that weird? I can feel it holding me back.




6 thoughts on “Up and Down

  1. I’m right there with you. I feel like I’m at the same point in both running and life. Maybe it’s because we’re twins!

  2. I can totally relate to your description of depression Sarah. The down days will happen, but hold on to the ups as best you can. The fact that you got out and did that 2K walk and enjoyed it is an achievement in itself. Those are the moments that count. xx

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